Remember how I said a lot happens leading up to your 30s? Two weeks after 30 years of “ I’m not having kids” I took my first pregnancy test. I wasn’t nervous because in my mind I was never getting pregnant. I sat there and waited for what felt like at least 3 years… we purchased the digital result test because it was basically idiot proof, it left no room for the “is that one lines or two”? It simply said PREGNANT. Wait? Pregnant? That can’t be… the box said the test is 99.9% accurate so of course I could be the .1% who received a false positive. After another what felt like 3 years later… still PREGNANT.
I sat there for a minute trying to feel something, but I couldn’t. I asked my boyfriend to come in, and I showed him the test he was happy without hesitation. We hugged and laughed, and i was still in denial. I decided I needed to tell my best friend right away for my own sanity so I marched upstairs and knocked on her bedroom door… I said “mom, you’re never going to believe this”! I showed her the test, and she asked if it was real. She said she never thought she’d see the day she would become a “gammie”. It was all too weird, even just looking at my mother in that moment and thinking of her as a grandmother… I went back to bed and then my mind decided to run a marathon… I have PCOS how was getting pregnant this seemingly easy? What if my boyfriend really isn’t happy about it? Should I look for a new job? What will happen to my body?… hours went by like this until I finally fell asleep. When I woke up I legitimately felt sick, flu like. I called out of work with the flu and tried to get some rest. My mom said “it’s not the flu, welcome to pregnancy”. I had almost forgotten about the tests until she reminded me! I decided to text my boss and tell him the “possibility”. I anticipated all kinds of responses… I was surprised at what he sent back, but not because of his character, because my mind had already decided they would be negative responses. He said he was happy for me and excited, and to feel better and to let him know the definite outcome. I read it three times to make sure it didn’t say “ and you’re fired” somewhere in there, but it didn’t. I called my OBGYN office and the scheduling team picked up and I didn’t know what to say, I felt like a guilty teenager or something. I told her I had two positive tests taken from home, but I wanted to be sure. She laughed and said it sounds like a sure thing, but let’s get you in here… I didn’t listen to the first three available appointments they had because I heard “it sounded like a sure thing”… when you’re in denial there is no sure thing… until there is… when I landed back on earth we nailed down a time for the following afternoon for a urine test and an ultrasound… an ULTRASOUND! Why would I need an ultrasound?! I can’t be that pregnant already! My boyfriend had to go back across the pond for work so he couldn’t be there for it, but my mom could. I left work to meet her there, but it felt like it wasn’t me there… almost like I was outside my body just watching it all happen. We checked in and I went to the lab for my urine test… the simplest confirmation in which i already didn’t believe in. 30 minutes in the waiting room and they called my name. My dr. Came in with the same awesome smile she always does and so confidently and nonchalantly said “well congratulations, you’re pregnant”! I jokingly, but half seriously said “that’s greatttt, are you sure”?! She said “all signs point to yes, but let’s get you to ultrasound to see how things look”. I went immediately from convinced I wasn’t pregnant, to holy shit I’m pregnant, to now worried about how things would look… that’s the cool thing about anxiety… not to brag, but I can usually worry about scenarios that have less of a chance of happening than me winning the lottery and getting struck by lightning in the same day… and I don’t play the lottery… I gathered my things and walked to ultrasound with mom. So many things running through my mind… one being how great it was to still have my mother there and what a weird thing it was to want her there so badly at 30 years old. After a really long five minutes of mind torture they called my name for ultrasound… for a freakin ultrasound! Not because my ovary was angry this time, not because I’ve had cramps for way too long, and not because it was for a routine exam… because I was freakin pregnant! When my mind was racing through what the ultrasound might be like, I pictured the ones on tv all cute and peaceful, everyone holding hands all excited… then the nurse came in and said to change from the waist down. I’m thinking, what the hell for? Don’t you just rub that cute thing in the jelly on my belly? Clearly my face said what I was thinking because she said” this is an internal ultrasound dear”… that was the moment when I Realized for the next hopefully close to 9 months I was nothing more than a science project. I reluctantly changed into the gown and climbed on the table, mom awkwardly by my side. She began the ultrasound and for the first time I saw what I was told is my baby… I just stared at what I thought looked like a tadpole… but what I couldn’t understand was the very next feeling I had… immediate motherhood. I loved that little tadpole so much, that although I understood hardly any of it, I would rip my bleeding heart Out of my chest for it already… I was a little over 8 weeks in to the best adventure of my life. Which to be clear is motherhood and definitely not pregnancy…